I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
