He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
