Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize