so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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