Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
her facebook's as public as her vagina
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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