I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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