I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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