im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
