I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
