I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
