my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
