Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
