Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
