My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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