everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
