Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
