phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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