it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
