why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
as a side note pls kill me
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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