I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
