Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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