Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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