I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
