i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
