my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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