I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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