Can i not drive my cunt home
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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