just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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