"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
