I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Michael Bay diarrhea
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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