I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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