it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
