this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
