The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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