peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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