I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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