So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
