you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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