If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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