Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
