At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
