he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
