I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
it glows. i had to have it.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
