seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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