I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
