I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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