TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
