i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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