Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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