tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
